Feeling Better

 I am back again, this post isn't about my random depressive episodes .

On 30th May 2022, I married my Sweet Heart/Bestfriend/Boyfriend of 7 years

Dear Husband, Thank you for putting up with my bullshit and loving me as the horrible person that I am. I'm always grateful to have you in my life, pulling me up whenever I am down and always being there for me. I LOVE YOU💕

Am I happier ? Yes. 

Do I still struggle with random mood swings? Yes.

Have I found my path? No, I have not.. Still building my path while I walk along.

Did I manage to looe weight? Nope, in fact I maintained and gain muscle mass instead.. haha

Would things get better? I hope so.

 

Till then. 

Well.. hello I guess?

Somehow I always find myself coming back here to rant... 

2020 was the start of the covid19 pandemic~

It was a great time for me to " mentally rest" but at the same time it was a build up of " I don't know what I want in life anymore"

I feel that in life, I can't identify what I am or what I can do(doing anything I want).. I am constantly living a life like I am doing things for the sake of doing and not doing it " because I want to" 

My frustration or should I say inner rage is building up and I don't know when I'll just explode .

My life as 28 soon 29 year old woman(millennium) is constantly being tired,broke(no money) and trying to lose weight while my peers/seniors/juniors are doing better.. such as having enough to spend(buying whatever they desire) , getting married, having children & owning a house.

"Being successful" thats what they are.

As for me... I still identify as an overweight , lazy and full of excuse piece of crap.

Sigh.... I am really tired... 

All I want is to do is just to rest at home. "Quietly"

Own time own target kind of peace

Suicide has always been lingering at the dark corner of my mind... sadly I am just a coward that couldn't end my own miserable self... so I'll just suffer mentally till I die.

Hopefully my next post(idk when) I'll feel better 

Hahahahaha oh man.

Its been 4 years since i blogged?? 

I didn't forget about it, just lazy i guess?

Plus.. i think it'll be real embarrassing if my boyfriend sees it. Big oof! 

Current life status.

- got a steady boyfriend(091115)

The most supportive boyfriend 💕

- got a job

Manage to sign on. oct'17

Currently still working there. 

-Diet

Doing somewhat well. Thanks to boyfriend. His hard work for helping me out with my meals & workouts

- got 3 cats(Garfy,Toffee & Genie)

Genie joined us last year 😉. 

- turning 30 in 2 years(please stop ageing lol)

-return to play maple(hehe)

-playing LoL wild rift mobile

-surviving in this covid19 Pandemic virus.

Shall blog again next time. Till then. 

2016 is coming to an end~ the year pass really fast this time.
over all 2016 was a pretty simple and happy year for me.

Got into a relationship at 9 nov 2015 and been 95% happy at the time!
and still struggling with my weight issues LOL ! That's something I'll struggle in my life time I guess?

Interesting 'Highlights' of the year

21 mar - MY FIRST PLANE TRIP IN MY LIFE ! TO KL ! It was an awesome and fun trip with my boyfriend! Its a little sad that we kinda under plan our money but it was really fun! Hopefully next time i'll get to go sunway lagoon !

Went to crab factory ! super worth it.. omg I love SEAFOOD !

1 Apr - was kinda sad.. got rejected by the navy~ but oh well~ I tried! My hard work for my IPPT though.. SIGH

Early Apr - Long story cut short. Boyfriend wanted to adopt a kitten(Blackie & Tomtom's child).. his father rejected the idea of cats living in his home and I got BAN from going to his place~ Cant be blamed ~ Stubborn old man.

After that saga.. tried looking for a home for the kitten.. sadly I failed to and THANK GOODNESS MOM ALLOW US TO KEEP THE KITTEN ! we named it Toffee(toto).

June - Boyfriend's NS complete. Enjoyed almost a full month worth of time with him

July - Boyfriend found work. working at the airport.

Sept - Boyfriend moved into my house! Really happy about this. mom never let this happen before! couldn't ask for more

Oct - My birthday was great :D ! Simple and happy

Nov - Massive nomnoms ! Dancing Crab ~ The Boiler ~ Keisuke Ramen ~ Saizeriya ~ Royal pudding ~ 4 Fingers and etc ! FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

+ Trying out bride's maid dress(my god..its been a real long time since I wore a dress)

18 Nov - My only female cousin(mom's side) got married! It was an interesting experience(tiring but fun!) I get to enter a bungalow at sentosa ! It was pretty big and nice!!
I didn't know there's so many things to do for a wedding dinner.

3 Dec I went for the army woman career, everything was going fine so far i guess ?

9 Dec - Received the army's email. Boyfriend helped me with it

10 Dec - Found out my Bestfriend Wei Xin changed into a male.
To be honest.. it was really hard to accept it~in a way that I'm so used to calling him a HER
Well im pretty okay with just need time to change all the SHE dialog to HE.

and that's pretty much it for this year~
Being 24 this year ... I still feel like a 16 year old teenage.. I don't know how to ADULT to be honest ~ Hopefully I'll find my way to proper 'Adulthood' ~

Time is really passing real fast after graduating from school.

-x-

I don't ask for much but I do hope I can live in this simple and happy life.
Happily with my family, kitties & boyfriend

and hopefully next year I'll get my job and travel around while I can before settling down!!
I bet many years from now I'll cringe at what the fuck I just wrote as a young adult~ Just like how I cringe from reading my teenage days posts...

SIGH

I got a feeling ~ one day my future children will see this and I'll DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT
urgh

As time pass, it seems like I have forgotten about this blog.

Its been awhile.. well.. perhaps... half a year~ since I updated my blog..
I have broken up with Hermann the SORE LOSER on 3rd Oct.

It was a very sad ending, regretted it at first. But moved on quicky
'Onec a cheater, ALWAYS a CHEATER'

On 9 nov 2015, I start new relationship.
This time I was much happier (:
Being with someone I secretly watched for a long time.

I do hope... This relationship would last... till death do us part.

I wish...

I really do wish for it.. I don't ask for much.. but I hope It'll happen

-x-

This year I'll be 24 and Fyfy will be 4. Time pass real fast .. ever since I graduate from secondary school. I kinda miss those fun days.

Don't know why I wanted my secondary school days to end so quicky back then.
Rushing to be an 'adult'... But now being an adult... Wishing to be a kid again

I hope my 'moodiness' and 'mild depression' will go away.. so that my life wouldn't be so 'over thinking'

-sigh-


- C

I realize whenever I feel depress or something.. I'll end up coming back to blog and rant about it...

I went back on pills, recently ... I can't sleep well..
worried too much and everything.. oh yeah ! I passed my IPPT. now waiting for contract :D

hopefully they'll call me soon ~ v_v

that's all for now.. I wish i could stop being depress over everything so easily

Sometimes i kinda forgot that i have a blog.

Reading back my past post from Aug 2007 was awkward... I didn't know I was such an angst teenager~

Being 22 soon 23 this year, sucked ~
I'm still like ~ " How do I ADULT? "
I still need an older adult for advice,cause sometimes I cant make any decisions at all)

So much random and troubling thoughts all over~
why is life so troublesome ~

oh well~

I need to get my shits together

Last post was on March 2014
Its been superrrr long ~ I dont know? time? days? months? etc?
Since I post something ~~

So many things happened~
and I don't know where to start~

Currently I have been trying my best to train for my Napfa Test
Not going well.. Been failing my 2.4 run so badly..
I felt so useless and miserable~

-x-

I guess the only thing I can do is to whine here ~ on my Blog
That's the only thing that can make me 'feel better'.

-x-

no matter what relationship I'm in
It's always money issue, frankly speaking.. I hate this..

I feel that I'm better off being single than in a relationship..
I feel that I can't do 'better' when I'm in a relationship..
its like a burden to me, from the start I was never a 'considerate person'..
I hate being 'considerate' and I feel damn tired whenever I'm with the other.

I feel 'happy' being alone
I feel 'charged up' being alone
I feel 'more motivated in doing things'

I just enjoy being alone, I don't have to worry so much
Its always money issues.. I don't have money all the time..
When I was single, I was able to SAVE up a lot of money...
Like  a 50 Dollar pocket money a week, I could save 30.. now being in a relationship
I COULDN'T SAVE A SINGLE CENT. Its like we keep going out..
and I'm spending my OWN money. like everything is on DUTCH
We keep going OUT. I FUCKING HATE GOING OUT.
FUCKING WASTE OF MONEY
I RATHER STAY AT HOME AND WATCH SHOWS OR PLAY GAMES

Back then, Saving money was easy. everytime when I have enough.
I'll buy something I want, things that maybe my parents won't buy for me.

From today onwards, I'll only GO out WHEN I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY.
NO MONEY
NO OUTING
END OF STORY

-x-

I'm tired :(
I'm really fat and tired..
right now I have to pass my napfa test in order to join the Navy
I tried my best.. I really did.. next week.. I hope I can make..
I feel super miserable.. Like really.. starting half of the year wasn't so bad
Now its like BAD to WORST.

I have so much problems in life
That sometimes money can solve 70% of it..

End of the day, I'm just a materialistic girl. :)
All I can care about is being HAPPY for myself.
Just like how I take care of my furryson
FOR MY OWN SAKE OF HAPPINESS, I MAKE FYFY HAPPY..

I'm the worst kind of human being. EVER
Doing nothing and whining all day is what I DO BEST. :)
That's my ONLY TALENT

*sigh*

-x-

AND FUCK MY LIFE
Dreamt about my ex bf last night. SO HORRIBLE.
end up 'talking' to him about 'life'
damn dream.. why can't you fucking DROWN him or KILL HIM
THAT WOULD BE A NICE ENDING than talking about what's happening in life

Never wanna see that fucker again. piece of shit that stole my DS ,
act like a victim and cheats in a relationship.fucking crybaby!
DISGUSTING SHIT, I Hope you fail badly in your 'photography'

Fun fact : Horribly taken photos, "Claim" to be a 'better photographer' but skills like a kid with a camera

-x-

YAY ! DONE WHINING, FEELINGS BETTER NOW :)
WHAT A BITCH I AM :)

Notice some changes in friends that i wasn't close with.
the only thing i can say is
' An enemy is one that is happy when you're miserable '
' Be happy, because enemies hate seeing you happy'

so yeah, I'm happy (:
with current boyfriend,simple and easy.  no problem at all (maybe snoring problem)
hopefully i'll get used to it :D
One happy family with my furry son fyfy ♥

and yeah... I miss my bf... bf oversea.. DAMN

-x-

I just reread some post.. oh gawd wai
much embarrassing .. oh well ...
all in the past

not sure if i should show my bf this blog :|
SHY DIE ME

its been awhile since i last blogged
life is great ! happy with my current boyfriend.
everyday is a bliss to me, its really too long. that one year plus with my ex was tiring
oh well, good riddance.

currently waiting for poly/ite dilpoma. hopefully i can get in any of them
this is the first time i actual love someone without having doubts.
such peace. much enjoy :D

that's all i have to write.

6 jan 14(monday)
♥ made his way to my house early in the morning
I'm truly amaze he can remember how to come over all by himself after sending me home
He didn't even ask for direction and he appeared at my doorstep at 10am+

Spend some quality time with him, cuddled, chit chat and pat Garfy :3
FINALLY FYFY HAVE A PROPER DAD -_-

Thinking of what Shaun post on Christmas that day.. speechless
If you can blame Garfy for being the source of problem. I suggest you don't get a cat...
ITS A TORTURE FOR THE POOR KITTY IF YOU DON'T LOVE IT
Pity your mom.. if you get it and she have to clean the mess and take care of it..

In the afternoon,baby and I went to nex for movieeeeee
On the way there, I think i spotted Sharlene ._.""
not sure if its her or not. Look like her anyway ~~

Dinner mom cooked :D
another amaze part ! baby can eat a lot :X
didnt expect that ! for someone as slim as him to eat so much !!
SUCH NOMZ , MUCH TANK LOL ! -random-

7 Jan 14
Nua the whole day ! played pserver maple and finally for once
I DECIDED TO QUIT RO2 ! PACKED MY STUFF AND ETC
GONNA SELL 'EM ALL !
pass some stuff to Dash,Maje & Khron !
totally.. no feelings at all..
usually I can't bare to part with a game(that I used to love so much)
Guess I outgrown it :D oh well !

Enjoy 2014 ! -happy-

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

2014 is indeed a great year ;D !
Its just the starting only, I'm feeling all great and happy :D
more happy and active in fact !

yesterday went out with hermann,mh,mw & p.c
K-box :D ! after that garena stadium
oh gawd wai ! we cant exchange role.
pc : carry
mh : mid
mw : jungle
me : top
hermann : support

 GG LOL ! lose so badly ~!
last round exchange back to original roles :D

DINNER TONKOTSU KING : FOUR SEASON RAMENNNNN !
awesome max ! :D
super great day !

happy level : max

today was another great day ;D
sent bro's gf an old pic of him LOLLLL !
priceless shit :X !

WORTH IT !
THE MINUTE I HEAR MY BROTHER SHOUT
CELYN ANG ! WHAT HAVE U DONE
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH !!
epic max :B !!

oh well :X !

WOOOOO 2014

last day of 2013, spend it with Hermann, Min han and P.C
we stayed over at Hermann's place :D
play all sort of card games and pokers
chit chats :D
So many secrets expose :D
indeed no shaun = no problem

first day of 2014
FAT DIE US
the 4 of us(herman,mh and pc) ate kfc for dinner
we kinda over slept :X
they bought stuff for fyfy ! -super happy-

-x-

2nd day of 2014 !! happy :D
its been a long time i actually felt so happy
and I'm laughing so hard in fact !

THAT MOMENT WHEN a friend of shaun facebook message me saying
'shaun failed to date  momiji(or something) now dating another girl'
HAHAAHHAHA SO DESPERATE

fail 1 still got back up plan ! too damn funny please :x
THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE GONE
THE GUILTY FEELING IN ME IS GONE TOO !
SO IRONY ! saying stuff like
'I don't like liars' 'I dont cheat' blah blah blah whatever.

I'm truely happy now ! no regrets that you're gone
in fact you embarrass me whenever we visit any side of my families.
now that you're gone, i finally can be a kid with my mom's side cousins again!
I dont have to feel bad cause you're not enjoying your time with us :D

oh yes shaun, if you happen to find my blog(this blog)
CONGRATS ! Because of you I didn't have much to whine and complain about
because I'M TOO EMBARRASS TO DO SO
not much post here from the year 2013
I WAS SAD AND DEPRESS FOR THAT 2013 YEAR
while you whine over ' my gf doesn't want to be part of my life'

yeah yeah, whatever ~ you cared about yourself only anyway :D
and your 'how i feel' etc shit
2012 that year was great being together
the 1 that truly change is you :D
and please don't tell your current gf about
'how you wanna get married and etc'
dont give people empty promises
and dont bullshit around telling other people
'you wanna marry her if she's still with you during the NS period'
TOO CHEESY,GROSS AND EMBARRASSINGGGGGGbecause you're the PROBLEM, that's why your second/third(me) ex gf LEFT YOU , YOUR FIRST GF YOU SAID SHE WAS CHILDISH(JANE)
thats why you left her(not sure if she left your ass/you leave her or so you said)

Frankly speaking, I kinda lied when we were together
I didnt really have feelings for you. Just wanted to try out only
I cried cause your ego level was too high and it hurts my feelings
whenever you behave like shit at a family reunion.

my mother & brother didn't like you from the start anyway
only my father was okay with it

OPPSSS EXPOSE :D ! ohohohohohohoho ! -lame me-

Jane & Bao Xian
I hope you guys are happy with your current boyfriends :D
last long long K !

call this an ex gf semi disgusted/whiny rant and super happy post :D !!
HAPPY ! FINALLY CAN SAVE MORE POCKET MONEY !
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!

LONG LIVE NO LIFE QUEEN ! -ME-

24 dec

Went out with my ro2 friends for
Lunch(bbq at rockU)
Movie(Police story)
Dinner(mcd)

it was an awesome day !
first time in my life having just MEAT ONLY for lunch
the whole bbq was just eating of beef,chicken & pork

WORTH IT

seriously I don't know how come i manage to save money to go out
usually I dont have enough

In a relationship = no money
Single = GOT MONEY

WTF? OH WELL :D !

25 dec
FAMILY TIME ! CHRISTMAS !
YAY ! BACK TO THE OLD TIMES
PLAYING LIKE A LITTLE KID !

Played injustice with kenji,absalom & solomon
pot luck !

awesome amount of presents !
wooooo !

played poker with uncle gary's children too
drink a little wine with parents & relative !

26 dec
downloaded extalia ms
played with herman :D

andy joined LoL ^^
whole day playing MS & LoL

27 dec (today)
slacking around with fyfy

-x-

Its been 20 days since the break up
Friends asked me if I'm okay

I'm totally fine, I feel no different in fact
Its just that i feel angry at some part.
Then again, The whole relationship holds no impact

All my friends have returned.
Ugly truth came out.
At first it was kinda hard to accept those ugly truth from them
But when I start thinking about it, I began to understand why they went away..

MANY ridiculous answer came out
end of the day

I'M GLAD ITS OVER !
It was a bitter sweet experience
Thank you for that

I learned not to depend on others anymore
I came with nothing
And shall start my journey all over again

Trust no one but myself.